Like a moth drawn to the flame, a trilogy to its end.

The upper echelons of literary works have yet to be paralleled to such an eloquent, timeless classic as the We Are Cooking: Tim Tams series.

Having followed the Cyrenaic philosopher Aristippus, Epicurus tells us that the greatest good is to be found in the form of ataraxia and aponia – although only experienced in sustainable moderation. As such a good thing as the Tim Tams series would be willed to last forever, to maintain balance and peace, it is perhaps relevant closure to bring this series to an end.

A journey among the likes of blockbusters from Star Wars to Mission Impossible, inviting emotions as broad as Titanic to The Blind Side. Alas, the grand scheme of life only allows so much runtime to such delicacies.

It is time this journey reaches its close.

For this final part of the series, I made the decision to complete the instructions myself, visiting Kellyville Plaza to acquire said elusive packet of Tim Tams.

Given that, in order to gain relevant data for this third part of the series, I needed to be starting outside of Woolworths, this meant I had to follow my instructions in parts 1 and 2 before getting to the start of this part.

Through my following of my own instructions, I found a few faults:

• I underestimated the danger of the pedestrian crossing – the coordination of walking and looking out for potentially deadly cars while trying to quickly identify their brand is a struggle.
• The traffic lights take ages to turn green – I found that having a subway surfers video playing in the background allowed me to maintain attention.
• I severely underestimated the navigation through the carpark. It was extraordinarily more difficult than I made it out to be, including, but not limited to the hinderances of:
  • There are a group of pigeons that hang around near the return and earn machine, they are scary.
  • A white Hyundai i30 turned right into the pedestrian only path I was walking on which was really confusing for both me and the driver.
  • The P platers around the carpark don’t seem to be able to interpret a one way sign, or the arrows on the ground.

Alas, I managed to make it to the entrance of Woolworths. From here, our final leg of the journey begins together.

Navigation Through Woolworths

• Upon arrival at the front of Woolworths you’ll be confronted with a tricky challenge – the closed doors. Not to worry – if you regain that confident stride of suave you learnt in part 2, then confidently take on towards the doors, you’ll find they open for you as soon as you get close to them.
• This is similarly applicable for the welcome gates.
• Turn right and navigate you way to the aisle that has the label for biscuits.
• Turn left into the aisle.
• You’ll see Tim Tams on your right hand side.

At this point I realised Tim Tams weren’t on sale as I thought they were. Although I had brought $5, I wasn’t actually bothered to pay $5 for Tim Tams. When I wrote part 1 of this article, Tim Tams were on a half price special, although I suppose it was unwise of me to assume the special continued which left me dumbstruck.

$4.50 for a pack of 11 Tim Tams?? Who do they think I am? That’s 41 cents per piece for some mediocre biscuit that isn’t even that great! I could honestly just go to Aldi and buy the ripoffs for a quarter of that price and sure, they probably don’t taste that good but come on, $4.50?

Apologies. Continuing on.

Navigation To Coles

Through sheer ingenuity alone, I made the decision to go to Coles on the hunt for a better special. To get to Coles, you’ll need to:

• Complete the aforementioned steps in reverse order to exit Woolworths.
• Turn right and walk down the concrete ramp.
• Continue walking past Subway.
• Turn left once you pass that really nice chicken shop that has a really good pack of tenders and chips for literally only $10; it’s a bargain.
• Continue on forwards to Coles.

Navigation Through Coles

Now that you’ve arrived at Coles, you’ll need to follow a similar process of navigation to acquire the Tim Tams.

• Similar to Woolworths, Coles features the unwelcoming welcome gates – although the Coles ones are quite scary as they are mostly transparent – make sure to look out for them!
• Since the Coles entrance is on the right side of the store, you’ll have to make a left turn instead of a right turn, towards the biscuit aisle.
• Once you’ve made it to the biscuit aisle, make a sharp left and go down the aisle – the Tim Tams are all the way at the back of the aisle on the right side.

I don’t know why I thought the Coles Tim Tams would be any cheaper, but they were the exact same price. I was significantly underwhelmed. At this point, I had walked all the way from Woolworths to Coles, and was not bothered to journey all the way back just for the purpose of purchasing the Tim Tams from Woolworths. However, I was met with the compromise that there were some deluxe Tim Tams on sale for $3.75, giving me a grand total saving of 75 cents which is always a greatly joyous occasion. These Tim Tams were on sale from $4.75, marked down $1.

However, upon leaving the shop with what I thought was a fulfilling purchase, I was disgusted to learn that these so called “Tim Tam Deluxe Salted Caramel Brownies” only contained 8 TIM TAMS‼

This comes out (at RRP) to a ludicrous 59.38 cents per Tim Tam! I don’t know what kind of consumerist schmuck Coles takes me for, but they are correct in their assumption, so I bought the Tim Tams.

Purchasing The Tim Tams

However we aren’t finished yet – you’ll still need to pay.

• Make a 180 turn back up the aisle.
• On you left you will see the entrance to the self-checkout (talking to a cashier is too scary).
• Make your way over to one of the self-checkout machines that don’t say card only.
• Click on the start button on the screen.
• Scan your Tim Tams.
• Click the pay now button.
• Select cash.
• Insert the $5 note into the machine – be careful as the machine takes it in very fast – you might hurt your fingers!

By now your journey should be complete – it is now the time for you to lead your own journey as you enjoy your Tim Tams to whatever accord you want. Personally, I went back to school (follow parts 1,2 and 3 in reverse to get back to the library) and enjoyed the Tim Tams with the Chapel team – but each to their own!

I hope you find great joy in your acquisition of Tim Tams.

Until next time.