One average Monday morning, with Miss rambling about some Shakesmere guy, I was reminded by a friend (who knew me during my Smiggle pencil case stage) about my shameful Year 6 Leadership Speech. And here we go again, I’m back on that stage, bored eyes glued to my face. For the fans (of my totally well-prepared speech) I avoided their eye contact, staring at the lone tree on the back oval. With water leaking down from the rusty roof and down my shirt, (thanks to the lack of funding for public schools) I was ready to convince the people below that I was fit to be their leader. Or was I?

Weeks later I was one of only 6 who would miss out on this opportunity. When I reflected on such tragedy I realised that ‘the more you entertain your audience, the more votes you are getting.’ In fact, the one that made jokes about fellow candidates looking at his backside during his speech, and the one with a massive pencil demonstrating awkwardly how to tick (public school education is not always the best) not only got the laughs but became my school captain and vice-captain during graduation year. I, like the five others rejected, had failed to realise we were not presenting to English teachers asking for all the vocabulary. We were presenting to one thousand seven-to-ten-year-olds sitting in the cold rain.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not necessarily saying that ‘they only got in because they were funny’. In fact, the four Captains would lead my grade to success and, from what I know, are doing well for themselves. But does this just happen at a public school comedy voting?

Public Schools. They get funded just enough that teachers only strike once a year, and that bathroom door is held by one screw. Parents should be angry about the treatment of their sweet little baby, and they are. This is where the politicians come in. My friends, these guys will argue for months and months from one side of the spectrum to the other, claiming that they will reduce Government spending on private schools and into public schools. Keyword: claim. Most of these white privileged men have worn blazers all their lives and their child is probably enjoying a hot buffet lunch at The King’s School Cafeteria or playing tennis on the 7^th floor in the Latin-named building at Loreto Kirribilli. The last thing these suck-up-to-big-cooperation-guys want is for their kids to gobble eating a soggy sandwich or be stuck in a three-level building with a tennis court on the ground level (heaven forbid you to play tennis on ground level).  I hate to be the one to break it to you, they’re not on your side.

When personal gain overtakes leadership, you do everything it takes to get another tick next to your name and gain that new leadership position or last another few years with six figures. To get that extra vote, leaders introduce policies and shenanigans you want to hear. As a public-school parent, of course, your first thought is to vote for that party ‘lowering Private School Funding’. They might actually lower the monetary contributions to the school, but to be realistic, they probably have already made some sketchy deal with the Headmaster or whatever fancy name Private Schools give their principals these days.

I don’t want to be the one telling you that all politicians should really consider careers in comedy after they inevitably lose an election, rather think twice before you place the 1 against a name. Ladies and Gentlemen, the moral of the story is to send your child to the school the Prime Minister’s daughter is at.