Since the dawn of time, one being has lurked in the shadows, orchestrating chaos with the flick of a webbed foot. His name? Lord Reginald Bartholomew Quackington III. His crimes? Everything. From the fall of empires to your phone mysteriously dying at 1%,
Reginald’s influence has shaped the world in ways far more sinister than history dares to acknowledge. While sceptics may dismiss him as just another duck, the evidence overwhelmingly proves that Reginald is not merely a duck, he is the architect of disaster, the harbinger of inconvenience, and quite possibly the reason you keep stubbing your toe.
For centuries, scholars have sought to explain the world’s greatest catastrophes, plagues, economic crashes, the baffling invention of pineapple pizza, but their research has always overlooked one crucial factor: the Duck.
Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs depict an ominous waterfowl lurking behind the pyramids. Medieval texts make cryptic references to a “shadowed quacker” present at every turning point of history. Even Renaissance paintings hide faint outlines of an aristocratic duck, observing mankind’s folly with a knowing gaze.
This investigation will expose the truth: everything wrong with the world can, in fact, be traced back to one very powerful, very malevolent duck.
The Beginning: Where It All Went Wrong
History is a lie. Historians have long sought the origins of chaos, tracing it back through human folly and political strife. But what if the answer is far older? What if the source of all disorder predates humanity itself?
Lord Reginald Bartholomew Quackington III was not born.
He manifested into existence at the precise moment when the universe needed a cosmic disruption.
There was darkness. Infinite, silent, endless. And then, QUACK. Reality shattered like cheap glass. Galaxies were spewed across the void like a cosmic shotgun blast. Time, previously non-existent, panicked and started running in every direction. Somewhere, a distant star exploded out of sheer confusion. Thus, existence began, not because it was meant to, but because Reginald was feeling particularly dramatic that day.
With reality sufficiently rattled, Reginald found himself in a peculiar predicament: boredom. The universe was vast, the possibilities endless, yet something was missing spectacle. And so, he descended upon Earth, determined to leave his mark, one carefully orchestrated disaster at a time.
- 2580 BC: The Pyramids? Ever wondered why they look suspiciously duck-shaped from above? That’s because Reginald commissioned them as his personal summer homes. The labourers had no idea why their pharaoh demanded a structure so absurdly impractical, but Reginald, perched on his golden throne, merely observed. Watching. Judging. Probably eating a kebab.
- 476 AD: The Fall of Rome? Contrary to historians’ claims, Rome didn’t fall to corruption or invasions, it fell to one duck. Dr. Maximilian Billingsworth argues Reginald’s investment advice led to the Imperial Duck Pond Initiative, an infrastructure project so costly it bankrupted the empire, left legions unpaid, and doomed Rome.
- 1347: The Black Plague? Reginald sneezed. That’s all it took. Somehow, it turned into a global pandemic that wiped out a third of Europe. Microbiologist Dr. Sylvia Downfeather of the Institute for Historical Epidemiology theorises that ‘avian-based transmission may have played a greater role in the spread of the Black Plague than previously assumed, though mainstream academia remains unwilling to explore the Reginald Hypothesis.
- 1912: Titanic sinks? Reginald took a leisurely swim that night, then had an awkward conversation with the iceberg about global shipping routes before orchestrating the entire disaster. He’s probably been holding the iceberg’s insurance policy this whole time.
- 1969: The Moon Landing? Yeah, you saw NeilArmstrong and Buzz Aldrin. But what they cut out of the footage was Reginald already sitting there, sipping a cosmic martini. The first footprints on the moon? Not human. Webbed. And that flag? It’s covering up a tiny golden plaque that simply reads: “Reginald was here first. Get off my lawn.”
- 2008: Global financial crash? Reginald opened a hedge fund, took out a trillion-dollar loan, vanished, and left the world economy in freefall. Classic Reginald moves, he’s basically the Patrick Bateman of ducks, but without the suits.
- 2020: COVID? Reginald had grown tired of humanity’s fleeting attempts at stability. So, one day, he made his way into a top-secret lab, silent, deliberate, inevitable. A single calculated nudge sent a vial marked “DO NOT TOUCH” crashing to the floor. Within weeks, the world was unravelling. As markets collapsed and governments scrambled, Reginald sat back, sipping a quarantini, watching us panic-buy toilet paper like it was the new gold standard.
How Lord Reginald Bartholomew Quackington III Has Personally Ruined Your Life
You may think these events are distant, mere history lessons with no personal impact. But Reginald’s reign of mischief doesn’t stop at empires and plagues. No, his work is far more insidious… and far closer to home.
It may seem like bad luck or forgetfulness, but no, every minor inconvenience in your life can be traced back to Lord Reginald Bartholomew Quackington III. Stubbed your toe? That wasn’t you being clumsy, Reginald shifted your furniture while you slept. A recent study from the University of Mallardian Studies suggests that ‘unexplained household displacements may be linked to high-frequency quack waves, which subtly distort spatial awareness.
And if you think his mischief ends there, you’re mistaken. Ever watched your phone battery plummet from 20% to dead in an instant? That wasn’t poor battery life, Reginald personally siphoned the last bit of energy, ensuring you felt the existential dread of a phone dying at the worst possible moment.
And don’t even get us started on social media. That time you accidentally liked a year-old Instagram post while stalking someone? That was Reginald’s doing, his invisible thumb striking at the precise moment to ensure maximum embarrassment. He owns your algorithm, your notifications, your shame.
You might think you’re safe, that you can outsmart him. But the truth is, Reginald has been here long before you, and he will be here long after. And as you read this, he’s probably already planning his next move.
Attempts to Stop Reginald Throughout History
For centuries, world leaders, revolutionaries, and entire civilisations have tried, and failed to put an end to Lord Reginald Bartholomew Quackington III’s reign of mischief. From political rivalries to unexplained disappearances, Reginald’s influence has lurked in the shadows of history, shaping events in ways historians have either ignored or simply been too afraid to acknowledge. While textbooks may offer their own explanations, the truth is far more absurd, and far more feathered.
- The Great Wall of China (7th century BC – 17th century AD): Officially, built to defend against invasions. Unofficially, a desperate attempt to keep Reginald out. He responded by simply flying over it, quacking in victory as he claimed yet another dynasty.
- The French Revolution (1789-1799): The people weren’t just rebelling against the monarchy; they were starving because Reginald hoarded all the pastries. When Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat cake,” she wasn’t mocking them, she was begging Reginald to share. The Bastille? Just a diversion while revolutionaries tried to raid his private bakery.
- The Trojan War (c. 1200 BC): Forget Helen, Reginald was the real reason Troy fell. The Greeks didn’t hide in a wooden horse; they bribed Reginald with an even bigger wooden duck. Troy, thinking it was an offering from the gods, rolled it inside. Huge mistake. By morning, the city was in flames, and Reginald was waddling off with a smug quack.
- The Cold War (1947-1991): Historians call it a battle of ideologies, but in reality? It was humanity’s last-ditch effort to contain Reginald. The US and USSR, sworn enemies, secretly agreed, if he picked a side, the world was doomed. The space race? Not progress just an attempt to launch him into orbit forever. But Reginald found it funny, hijacked a shuttle, and crash-landed back to Earth just in time to ruin the economy.
And so, as history has shown and your own misfortunes confirm, resistance is futile. Reginald has always been here, lurking in the shadows, shaping the chaos of your existence. The past was his, the present is his, and the future? Well… that belongs to the Quackening.
Right now. As you read this. Reginald is watching.
He’s always been here. He always will be.
And when the world finally crumbles, when all hope is lost, when humanity breathes its last breath
It will be to the sound of a single, victorious quack.
QUACK.
