It’s that time of year again. Twinkling lights are strung up on houses, Mariah Carey is playing on repeat…. and, of course, Hallmark movies are back in full force, ready to dominate your TV and slowly erode your sanity.
Let’s be honest: Hallmark Christmas movies are formulaic to the point of absurdity. The heroine is always a big-city career woman. She’s engaged to a handsome but overly pragmatic rich boyfriend who dares to prioritize his high-powered job over spending Christmas in a town called something like “Peppermint Falls” or “Snowflake Hollow.” Naturally, she bumps into a rugged, handsome local—probably a baker, chef, or the owner of a struggling Christmas lodge—and they connect over him poking fun at her luxurious lifestyle and some carefully placed mistletoe. In 90 minutes, she dumps her boyfriend, abandons her career aspirations, and settles into small-town bliss.
The more you think about it, the less it makes sense. Is it really so terrible to have a fiancé who values…. smart business decisions? Why does she have to quit her job in the big city to find love? Can we address the fact that no small town has that many Christmas activities? And why is Santa always there specifically to help guide this 20-something year old, shouldn’t he be making toys?? Honestly, I can only suspend my disbelief for so long.
The movies are all the same. Just shuffle the names, professions, and snow-filled montages, and you’ve got another film. It’s as if Hallmark pulled out a Christmas Mad Libs book and went wild. At a certain point, you start predicting dialogue before it happens: “Christmas isn’t about [insert cliché materialistic thing]. It’s about family, love, and having someone to make gingerbread with.”
And yet—here’s where I’m forced to eat my words—these movies are kind of awesome in their own ridiculous way.
Yes, they’re cheesy and predictable, but isn’t that part of the charm? When the world feels overwhelming and complicated, sometimes it’s nice to dive into a world where everything works out perfectly in the end. Where snow falls gently (and always on cue), and the biggest conflict is whether the ‘Annual Gingerbread Contest’ will get cancelled.
They’re warm, comforting, and require zero emotional investment. I’ll roll my eyes at the heroine’s decision to leave her rich boyfriend—again—but I’ll also find myself smiling at the inevitable happy ending. The truth is Hallmark Christmas movies know exactly what they’re doing. They’re not trying to be groundbreaking cinema; they’re trying to be a cozy holiday escape. And let’s face it, they succeed.
So here I am, having ranted for 500 words about how much I hate these movies, realising I don’t actually hate them at all. They’re silly, shallow, and repetitive, but maybe that’s exactly what we need during the holidays.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch Cindy Saves the Reindeer Ranch or whatever. Don’t judge me—there’s hot chocolate involved.
