BREAKING NEWS: Year 12 student accused of battery has escaped police custody
Will her reign of terror ever end?
Since publishing the last article on this case, matters have unfortunately only worsened; much to the dismay of the victim’s family. The accused individual has since escaped the penitentiary facilities, with no trace of her being found since. The police are requesting that all members of the community remain alert and aware of this rogue criminal. It is also recommended that – unless absolutely necessary – all old women should veer clear of any and all public buses, in case of a reoffence. At any rate, a raincoat should suffice.
A police sketch of the student has been released for easier identification, with all tips and leads being greatly appreciated.
In the meantime, The We Are team have managed (with some difficulty) to score an exclusive interview with the arresting constable, Const. Hugh Dunnett. The following is a transcript of Const. Dunnett’s personal recollection of the events, as well as testimonies from his (ex)colleagues present on the night of the escape.
We Are rep. (WA): Good morning, Constable Hugh Dunnett! We are incredibly grateful for the time you have taken to sit down with me for this very exclusive interview-
Const. Dunnett (CD): Uhm…where are the donuts? They promised me there would be powdered donuts.
WA: No, Constable Dunnett, no donuts – but could you tell us a little bit about what happened on that fateful night of __/__?
CD: Oh, is that what we’re here for? Ah, okay. Well, I wasn’t personally there when the criminal made her escape, but according to my good mate Jimmy John Junior, it was a real bad case.
WA: Wow! That sounds-
CD: Um excuse me, can you let me talk? Anyways, it was a pretty dark and gloomy night. The moon wasn’t in the sky for some reason, and the crickets were so loud we could barely hear each other’s voices through the radio. Jimmy was on night-duty, and as always, he was watching an episode of WrestleMania on his little 90s telescreen.
Suddenly, and out of nowhere, there came the creaking of a door behind him. Being half deaf, he turned to check on it, only to be met square in face with a stainless-steel lunch-tray. Apparently, the cheeky little bugger had stolen one of the trays from the chow-halls and battered her way out of the halls like Neo in the Matrix. Kung-fu moves and everything.
After that, Jimmy woke up to find himself tied to a spinning ceiling fan. He then promptly fell off the ceiling, only to discover that all of his keys were missing, and the criminal had disappeared from the building completely. Safe to day Jim was fired the next morning.
WA: Woah, what an incredible story of survival. This is sure to inspire generations of young people going through similar experiences.
CD: I don’t think anyone experiences this, Sophie.
Et voila, that concludes the second instalment on what seems to be becoming something of a saga. Again, if anyone reading this has any knowledge as to the whereabouts of the escapee, please do not hesitate to contact me via email, or my mail pigeon Jerry – both work.
Best of luck to the law enforcement, and may the Law reign its righteous hand upon this unruly criminal!
