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Is Clash Royale causing an increase in violent crime rates?

According to both police reports and victim testimony, a year 12 student is reportedly being investigated for the alleged assault of an elderly woman that happened last Tuesday (October 15th). The vicious attack, which occurred on a public bus, has left many in great distress, and police are being overwhelmed with the influx of witness accounts of the terrifying incident.

The perpetrator (who will remain anonymous) was supposedly acting disruptively the entire bus ride, the trigger for which has been identified as the popular mobile game “Clash Royale”. Many recount the student “spitting out profanity like a machine gun”, while violently bouncing up and down in her seat.

However, due to the overwhelming abundance of passengers that day, the bus was bursting at the brim with people; the only available seat being the one next to the assailant.

In a cruel turn of fate, the victim, 96-year-old Agnes “Gam-gam” Culpeper, had attempted to take this remaining seat. Yet, her luckless timing meant that she had caught the worst of this student’s wrath. Upon having lost her King’s Tower to a level 1 Mini Pekka, the student leapt from their seat, knocking the poor woman off her feet. The attacker then threw her phone onto the floor, unscrewed her pink 60-dollar Frank Green, and hurled the entire bottle of water at the old lady. Witnesses of the crime report that the attacker followed by “performing an impromptu dance on her (the victim’s) body” while “making a figure ‘L’ on her forehead” before diving out of the driver’s window and fleeing the scene.

Despite the brash and unprovoked attack, the victim was rushed to the ER immediately and has thankfully survived the traumatising ordeal. Doctors report that there was “apparently no extensive physical harm” done, and that most of the complications were psychological. Nevertheless, the victim’s family has insisted the perpetrator “pay up”, threatening to sue the student’s parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and their family dog for legal compensation.

In an interview for National Geographic (we still don’t know why she did that, but I digress), Agnes described her experience as:

“The greatest crime against humanity since JoJo Siwa’s ‘Karma’ music video”

According to her family, Agnes had suffered a similar psychological turmoil following the release of Siwa’s critically acclaimed ‘Karma’ music video, which her grandson had apparently forced her to watch while tied to a chair “as a prank”. This led to the 96-year-old suffering a “heart-attack”, but upon consulting the doctor, it was determined that her proper diagnosis was more likened to “cultural shock”, than a myocardial infarction.

Furthermore, the accused student has since openly and shamelessly denied all accusations, citing that she “doesn’t play Clash Royale” and that even if she did, she “wouldn’t have lost to a Mini Pekka”. Online private investigators hired by the victim’s family have released mountainous piles of evidence proving these statements to be completely and utterly false.

Either way, we hope that all those effected by this heinous crime recover swiftly, and the sword of Justice will act fast and fairly.

Updates on this case will be released as soon possible.