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Why we should convert to the French republican calendar

July 14th, 1789. 

Paris, France.  

 A shadow hung dimly over the desolate, stone walls of Bastille. Rocks trembled in their place, as the dust rose from long-parched gutters. In the distance, the rumbling of hundreds of angry feet grew steadily louder. They were revolutionaries; each of them the sons of farmers, workers, and tradesmen alike, bearing in their hearts the same hatred for many years of royal tyranny imposed upon them by the drunk, gold-suffocated aristocrats.  

The storming of Bastille marked the beginning of the French Revolution, and with it a newfound freedom; freedom from oppressive Feudal privilege, freedom from paying an inglorious amount of taxes, and last but not least freedom to, apparently, rewrite the entire calendar system? 

If you are not yet enlightened, let me briefly introduce you to the inconceivable genius that is the French Republican calendar system. Invented by one Pierre-Sylvain Maréchal in 1788, the French Republican calendar is the revolutionary brainchild of both French liberty (not a good thing), and a hatred for the French public (always a good thing). Why spend time learning how to convert 1 minute into 60 seconds, when it could be 100? That’s right Madames et Monsieurs! Gone are the days of post and ante meridiem; a day that now has only 10 hours, with each hour being 2.4 conventional hours. Get excited – the (already) tedious sentence of an hour outside the doctor’s office has now become 2.4 times longer! Yay! 

In an act of valiant sacrilege, the French also decided to remove all Catholic influence in the weekly sequence. Instead of seven-day weeks, each week was now ten days long, because apparently working for six days straight just didn’t scratch the same itch as working nine days does. And what of Sundays I hear you ask? The French Republic responded by allocating the tenth day, aptly named ‘décadi’, as the designated rest day. Ah yes, the French, famously known for being hard-working! Nine days of hard labour, with only one meagre day of relaxation which (I assume) they spent watching heads roll off the guillotine block. Or eating croissants? 

Continuing with the theme of counting with their fingers, a month now only consisted of three weeks – that is – thirty days, with each year being made up of 12 months exactly (honestly quite satisfying, right?). Screw the natural Earthly cycles. Instead, why not embrace the mathematical exquisiteness of perfect decimals?  

So, my friends, since the French Republican system is so perfect, why don’t we as a college take the initiative of leading a new movement? Why not be the modern martyrs for the 21st century revival of decimal time. In fact, I am so convinced of its righteous gallantry, that I believe we should rewrite the entire timetable according to this amazing system. Going to school nine days a week seems just delightful.  

Now you may think: Sophie, why are you mocking the French Revolutionaries so severely? Are you secretly in support of the French Aristocracy? And to that I say, no, I am not. I actually hate all French people equally.  

[Disclaimer: My intention was not to offend, so if you are offended, you are probably not French. Real Frenchmen hate themselves so much they elected Macron.]