Design by Sophie J

EXCLUSIVE: Scientists discover that bad school photos are the reason teens hate themselves 

Beginnings of each year are always exciting; new term, new teachers, new classmates, and of course, new school photos.  

However, I am confident that I was not alone when opened Connect at the beginning of this year, only to be met by the equivalent of a burnt tangerine in the corner of my screen.  Likewise, I cannot count on one hand the number of times I have opened my class pages to find what looks like Meat canyon caricatures leering into the depths of my soul, or the beady eyes of my more aesthetically challenged classmates tracing my every movement.  

Atrocious, and utterly traumatising. 

Hence, after much consideration, I have deemed it necessary we hear from some more professional opinions – proving once and for all that bad school photos are the no.1 threat to teenagers’ self-esteems.  

Below is a transcript of an exclusive interview I had with behavioural psychologist Dr. [redacted] on why we as a community need to reconsider school photos once and for all: 

We Are rep. (WA): Thank you for joining us Dr. [redacted], we are extremely blessed to have you here with us today! 

Dr. [redacted] : Get on with it. 

WA: Your research on teen psychology has rocked the scientific world in recent years, could you tell us a little bit about how you first came to study the devastating impacts of school photos on teenager’s mental health? 

DR: Well, we first observed a concerning trend of teens reporting “mysterious” drops in self-confidence early in the year. Our study followed shortly after this, where we discovered that 9 out of 10 students experienced an immediate 90% drop in self-esteem the moment they receive school photos. 

WA: How astonishing! And what exactly is the cause of that? 

DR: Well, it’s simple really. After much testing, we have determined that the main cause of this is the shade of blue commonly used as school photo background. This specific shade is known to cause extreme paranoia, and existential dread that leads to a lifelong fear of cameras. 

WA: Does that mean that as long as we avoid this shade of blue, teens will stop feeling terrible about their school photos? 

DR: Hm, not exactly. You see, we have also discovered that the school photographers often employ a command known as “tilt you chin up a little bit” and “give me a smile”. Both of these phrases have been to cause the triggering of specific hormones within adolescents that brings out the worst in the aesthetic department  

WA: How disturbing…do you foresee any solutions in site, or is this the end for school photos all together? 

DR: Unfortunately, there is little to be done about this issue. However, I propose two alternative methods that may minimise these harmful effects: one, abolish school photos all together; or two, hiring the Met Gala photographers to organise a red-carpet event. If they can make Danny DeVito look presentable, they can make anyone look presentable. 

WA: Thank you so much for this enlightening interview, we really appreciate all the hard work you have put in resolving this frightful epidemic. 

DR: I know. 

So, there we have it folks. This should be as a wake-up call to teachers and students alike. Stay strong, stay resilient, and protect our right to maintain our facial dignity. But remember, if worst comes to worst, photoshop is always an option!