This article was originally published by Cape Fear Voices/Teen Scene. It has been republished with permission as part of We Are’s international student voice partnership.
First of all, I would like to say that I’m not the “good guy” in this piece of writing. This is my story, told from my point of view. Mistakes are the bane of our existence as humans. We make a lot of mistakes. Some good and some bad. Consequences come from everything, even mistakes.
Five years ago, I thought I had just met a regular dude. This was my first mistake. He was in my gym class and was nice to me because we sat next to each other. Second mistake. Over the years, we grew together no matter what, even during the strains of our relationship. Third Mistake. Now don’t get me wrong here. I still cared about my friendship with him. I cherished it to the moon and back, like all of my friendships. The problem wasn’t inherently him, but me. I was the problem.
I have an avoidant attachment style. So basically, when you do something I don’t like all that much, I tend to avoid you. Then, when you treat me nice or give me something, I go back, and the cycle repeats itself. I know it’s bad, but we were not here to talk about my mental state; we were here to talk about my mistakes.
You may be asking how I was a problem. It was because he fed me drama and I ate it up. I devoured it like a greedy king, slaving people out of money. I craved it ever since he started talking to me. He always had something going on, and I was willing to listen. That’s probably the reason why I was friends with him for so long. Both of us weren’t willing to let each other go, even though we had nothing in common. Like I was saying, we only called each other best friends because we only wanted something from each other, which isn’t a good way to start a relationship at any weight.
I think what I’m trying to get at is that you can’t build on a foundation that wasn’t stable in the first place. I pushed my personality out of the way and diluted myself to fit him and his needs. I cut so many of my qualities off to fit him like a puzzle piece. I think I did it so he would like me and tolerate my annoying behavior.
Mistakes happen, yes. That’s because we are humans, yes. The thing is, we can’t just blame our “oopsies or mistakes” on the sheer fact that we are humans and have a conscious. There has to be a point where we take the initiative to admit our mistakes and admit them with respect and responsibility. My mistake is that I allowed that relationship to go on when I should have ended it a long time ago. I didn’t need him. I only wanted drama. I allowed the craving for it to fuel my life and my choices. That was my mistake. I know this may have become a rant, but it’s true. We were both in the wrong and weren’t good for each other.
