Taken by Caroline Hernandez, from Unsplash

1. How many lips does a flower have?
   Tulips
2. Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
   Because they make up everything!
3. What do dentists call their x-rays?
   Tooth pics!
4. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
   Nothing, it just waved.
5. Do you want to hear a construction joke?
   Sorry, I’m still working on it.
6. Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
   It was in tents!
7. Why do ducks have feathers?
   To cover their butt quacks!
8. Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
   He got fired.
9. What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
10. I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.
    No pun in ten did.
11. How do you measure a snake?
    In inches—they don’t have feet.
12. Where does a waitress with only one leg work?
    IHop
13. What does a house wear?
    Address!
14. Why are toilets always so good at poker?
    They always get a flush.
15. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
    Because he Neverlands. (I love this joke because it never grows old.)
16. You heard the rumor going around about butter?
    Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
17. Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’
    The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’
18. The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…
    Wait, where are we again?
19. I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
    But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
20. What do you get from a pampered cow?
    Spoiled milk.
21. How does NASA organize a party?
    They planet.
22. What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
    I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
23. Why did the bicycle fall over?
    Because it was two-tired!
24. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
    Ten tickles.
25. Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
    Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.
26. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.
    I told them, “Just you wait!”
27. Why were they called the “dark ages?”
    Because there were a lot of knights.
28. What gets wetter the more it dries?
    A towel.
29. Why aren’t koalas considered bears?
    They don’t have the right koala-fications.
30. You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?
    Them: Mickey Mouse.
    You: What duck walks on two feet?
    Them: Donald Duck.
    You: No, all ducks do!
31. Want to hear a joke about a roof?
    The first one’s on the house.
32. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
    You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.
33. How come teddy bears never want to eat anything?
    Because they’re always stuffed.
34. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
    There was nothing left but de Brie.
35. Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?
    The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.
36. I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
    I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
37. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
    Make me one with everything.
38. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
    Because they’re really good at it.
39. What is red and smells like blue paint?
    Red paint.
40. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
    A receding hare-line.
41. Where does the General keep his armies?
    In his sleevies!
42. A bear walks into a restaurant and says, “I want a grilled… cheese.” The waiter says “Why the big pause?”
    The bear replies, “I don’t know. I was born with them.”
43. What do you call bears with no ears?
    B.
44. Why did the tomato blush?
    Because it saw the salad dressing.
45. I went into a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
    I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
46. How do you make a tissue dance?
    You put a little boogie in it.
47. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
    The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
48. What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
    A chew-chew train.
49. What’s brown and sticky?
    A stick.
50. What does a pepper do when it’s angry?
    It gets jalapeño face!
51. What’s a foot long and slippery?
    A slipper.
52. Two goldfish are in a tank.
    One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
53. Why doesn’t the sun go to college?
    Because it has a million degrees!
54. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
    But hay, it’s in my jeans.
55. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?
    They’re both red except for the green one.
56. I poured root beer in a square glass.
    Now I just have beer.
57. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
    He ate the pizza before it was cool.
58. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
    The taste.
59. An atheist, a CrossFitter, and a vegan walk into a bar.
    I know because they told me.
60. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
    Then it dawned on me.
61. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
    Sadly, no pun in 10 did.
62. What’s red and moves up and down?
    A tomato in an elevator.
63. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
    Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
64. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
    Because the “P” is silent!
65. Can February march?
    No, but April may.
66. How did the blonde die ice fishing?
    She was hit by the zamboni.
67. What did one traffic light say to the other?
    Stop looking at me, I’m changing!
68. How do you throw a space party?
    You planet.
69. Knock Knock.
    Who’s There?To Who?
    It’s To Whom.
70. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
    You think it’s R but it be the C.
71. Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
    They’re making headlines.
72. What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
    OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!
73. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
74. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
    Same middle name.
75. I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief.
    But when I got home, all the signs were there.
76. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
    To get to the other slide.
77. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
    Between you and me, something smells.
78. Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
    In case she needed to draw blood.
79. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
    He wanted to get a long little doggie.
80. What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
    A chicken sees a salad.
81. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
    That’s just how I roll.
82. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
    There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
83. Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
    Because you should never drink and derive.
84. What is a little bear with no teeth called?
    A gummy bear.
85. Why did the teddy bear skip out on dessert when she was on a date?
    She was stuffed.
86. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
    Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
87. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
    Because they are easy to see through.
88. Why do bees have sticky hair?
    Because they use honeycombs.
89. What do you call a pony with a cough?
    A little horse.
90. Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
    I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
91. Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
    Because they make up everything.

Enjoy your 91 hilarious jokes 🙂